The Twentieth Father's Day

“Moon river wider than a mile I'm crossing you in style someday Oh dream maker you heartbreaker Wherever you're goin', I'm goin' your way…”

Here's my Daddy Max about to pinch my cheeks. :D

       The lyrics of Andy Williams’ song playing on the Grab car radio. It is my Dad’s favorite song. I then remembered, it’s Father’s day next week. It’s so unlikely of me that I remembered Father’s day. Why? Well, I grew up without a Dad from the young age of 10. This is my 20th Father’s Day without him around me. Through the years I have been so oblivious as to when is Father’s day exactly. There was even this one time, my niece and I were at a mall, we noticed a number of people queueing at a Cake shop. Then we asked each other, “Why are these people lining up to buy a cake? What’s the occasion?”, then we saw the tarpaulin beside the shop and we realized, hey it’s Father’s day (my niece also lost her Dad, she's equally as baffled as me). And we both laughed at ourselves for not remembering what day it is. 

We were about to go island hopping. My sister and I were teaching him to wave at the camera.

Every morning he would always go to our backyard to visit his gamefowls.  My brother and I ambushed him to pose with us in this photo. 

To be honest, not remembering this day in the past is unintentional. Sorry Dad ;) But just because I forgot, that doesn’t mean I do not think of him or love him any less. As a matter of fact, I always think of my Dad. I remember him whenever I look at myself in the mirror coz I look exactly like him. I remember last week, Tuesday, random. I saw a father on the street with his daughter, they were holding each other’s hand as they cross the street. We used to do that, my Dad and I. When he started to work at our hometown's local government unit, his office was just beside our school, I would drop by his office at lunch time and together we would walk home, with him on the not-so-safe side of the street holding my hand. We’d share my umbrella, and he didn’t mind even if my umbrella was all girly and pink with hello kitty prints all over it. I remember those days with him vividly.

He'd let me swim freely...

In the past, I would ask, “What would my life be like if he’s still here with me? with us?”. And whenever I would, I always end up bawling and sobbing. I still have the same question until now actually, but I would react differently. I still feel sad, but I would not cry anymore. Losing a parent at such a young age is something you wish no one ever had to experience. I had to. And it was the worst experience of my life, but God has a plan and I know that His plan is always greater and His timing is perfect. Dads are important, we all know that and I was a daddy’s girl to the max!

But still looks out for me esp in the deeper part of the sea.

I remember growing up there were so many birthdays, holidays, recognition days, graduation, etc that I longed for him. I wanted to hear how proud he was of me whenever I go up the stage and receive an award at school. I remember how I reassure myself, that he is indeed proud of me and that he has the best seat up there watching me on that stage while receiving my award.

The only time he went up on stage to don me a medal. This was my first grade recognition day, if memory serves me right... 

I didn’t get to experience things as what other kids with Dads would. But I got a family. A mom who has more grace & strength than any person in this world. Siblings who are willing to drop everything just to provide me anything I need. Nephews and nieces who look up to me. And I can never thank them enough. We have such a strong bond as a family and I am truly grateful. I have memories of my Dad here and there that stick out in my head but remembering anything from 0-10 years old is hard. I looked at a lot of photos as a child, just to see his infectious smile and I am glad that I have those for I am able to fill the gaps of memories.

I told you he looked exactly like me...

Hearing Dad’s favorite song play in the Grab car is one of those random instances or things that would remind me of him. And suddenly, I have this wave. He felt like yesterday. Which is to say, I’ve been in a long term relationship with grief. But it has to evolve. And it’s okay to keep letting go. I have to.

So badly, I wish I could change it all. I wish that Dad could be here to see all the things I’ve done in life, to cook my favorite food, to drive me to work, to stay at my condo for as long as he likes and to do life with my Mom, siblings and his grandchildren. To people who also grew up without a Dad, Father’s day is not about mourning of their absence. It may feel like it in the early years of grief. But for me, eventually Father’s day turned out to be a celebration of my Dad's wonderful life spent here on earth. I find peace knowing I will see my Dad again someday. For now I will cherish the life I have here with the people I love most. So hug your loved ones, tell them how much they mean to you because you never know when it could be the last time.

P.S. Please excuse the quality of the photos. Aside from they're old, I only took them from our family albums using my phone. ;)